Irritable? Downright Grumpy Bowel...

It's been something of a trying week...

At some point on Sunday I became aware of a twinge, a soreness low down in the abdomen. Admittedly we had been out for a meal on Saturday night which was mega in proportions and most enjoyable. But the soreness turned to pains and didn't stop.

By Tuesday I was thinking fondly of starting to whimper quietly and got myself down to the doctor who took a sample ("Ooh, your sugar's sky high!") and my temperature ("Oh, look at that! You're quite poorly!") and felt my stomach and abdomen ("Yeowwww!" - no, that was me...)

So my bowel was diagnosed as the culprit and I've been taking some rather sensationally sized pills and capsules since then.

... For your amusement I attach a scan showing my normal-sized capsules for the blood pressure and two of the socking pills they've given me for this... I ask you - does it even look humane?!? The first attempt wasn't too sucessful but at least I've managed to get used to the horrendous size of the tablets and so far the score is - down the gullet: 23 and halfway down the gullet and back to disappear down the sink: 1 - a clear victory I think...

The Ladies-Over-The-Water asked whether the doctor had diagnosed diverticulitis?

I can't recall the Doc saying diverticulitis - I thought she was saying she had to divert her gaze because of how cute I was...? Or was it something about divers being ticklish? No actually I can't remember her saying anything like that - it was more the description than any name and I was somewhat diverted anyway as the prodding really made me wince... I did sort of lock eyes with her in a fixed gaze but then when I started breathing again I was able to look away and begin to hear again. It is definitely not that bad today! But it wasn't that bad the other day until she tried to make her fingers disappear in an abdominal hole of her own making...

The DIY Bowel Cancer Test

Another example of all things bizarre...

Just got off the phone talking to my uncle. They've just had an advert for a "Do-It-Yourself Bowel Cancer Test"! It's not strictly D-I-Y because what you do is collect samples from three stools from your bowel movements and send them off in the post to a laboratory who will test them for you and send the results back.

It is apparently important to catch the sample before it hits the water. This obviously makes sense as otherwise it might go too soggy and ooze through the envelope...

In the interests of appearing supportive and helpful I did suggest he could employ a catcher's glove something like the one shown here.

Also if you, dear reader, are fortunate enough to receive an advert for this service and want to take advantage of it, we further thought that any rather too solid stools should be placed in padded envelopes for safety reasons. Indeed if you were particularly badly compacted it may be best to use parcel post as otherwise the envelope may not squash through the letter box...

If you want your original back, remember to include a stamped addressed envelope.

Oh and finally - remember to mark your envelope "sort by hand". The thoughts of them being forced through the rollers of an automatic machine doesn't bear thinking of...