Stress Test

Yesterday was a stress test. Part of the ongoing investigation into my heart attack. I wondered whether they wired you up to a monitor and then told you about Gordon Brown's latest plans for tax but no, it was a wiring up and then a journey to nowhere on a treadmill which went a touch faster than I am normally wont to walk...

I was starting to have visions of flying backwards as the legs stopped of their own volition but one of the nurses said "You look very professional up there!"
"What the heck does that mean?" I asked (gasped). Apparently the majority of people who have this test don't seem able to co-ordinate putting one leg in front of another to match the rate of the machine and so do a sort of hop, skip, run-to-catch-up routine.

"Can I still lead a debauched sinful life?" I asked. The doc looked a bit surprised.
"Why? Do you?"
"Well no... but it would be nice to know I could, if the opportunity came along..."

Anyway I bravely stuck it to the end, manfully resisting the urge to drop exhausted over the grab bar at the front to let the feet dangle and be dragged along the treadmill.

I now have little bald patches all over my chest where a very young and pretty nurse shaved them to stick on the ECG contacts. I might sell pictures on Ebay...

Let's Have a See - Whoa! I Don't Like The Look of That!

Ah yes, catch up time again!

Well it's been a funny old few months really and other things have contrived to become more important. Health for one.

Now here's a comedy of errors for you.

I've been asthmatic since the age of seven and it's been well controlled for so long that if there's even a hint of a wheeze Miss Franny's head shoots up to fix me with an accusatory stare. "What are you wheezing for?!?" she'll say, as if it's something I've done deliberately to wind her up.

Anyway, once a year I have a medical where they do various things like take my blood pressure, ask me about my general health and lifestyle (there's always some surprise at the latter for some reason) and measure my breath output and send me away for another year.

At the asthma test last year they called me back and said "Your blood pressure is up." I didn't even know it had to be renewed...

Heck, with a lifestyle like mine I need my blood pressure to be up! But I went back and am now happily on pills for the rest of my life. They took a blood sample.

From the blood pressure tests they deduced that my thyroid was underactive. Aha! An excuse for the weight, the tiredness, the generally being just plain bloody dopey on some days. I was relieved to find it wasn't the onset of early dementia and was booked into a specialist who would do further tests for the thyroid.

At the thyroid test they weighed me, measured me (height, pal, don't get silly!), asked me lots of questions, did an ECG, sounded me, tested all the reflexes (stop hitting me with that thing!) and said out of the blue "You've had a heart attack."

So now I have even more tests lined up and am wondering what the heck they will find at those!

A few people have said "How could you have a heart attack and not know?" Well in my opinion if you have to have one, then they are the best sort...! Although I can probably remember the incident but I thought I'd just pulled a muscle in my chest (really badly I have to admit!) and I was on the verge of wondering but then it cleared up and didn't recur so I just got on with things.

Now though I have to endure everyone saying "It's a warning!" and "You'll have to slow down..."

I've cut down the driving so now I don't have to worry that this huge queue will mean it could be midnight when I get home and instead can let the train take the strain and just worry about simple things like "will I make that connection?" which is the same as "will I get home at all tonight?"

Tests over the next few weeks so will see whether there needs to be any life change I suppose. It's hard being a rock 'n' roller... Can you pass me the remote, Darling, I can't quite reach it and mustn't exert myself!